You guys know how much I love my Facebook memories. I reference them often because they remind of great times and well…times when I don’t listen.
I scroll through my memories every day. I am always curious to see what my thoughts were, what my hair looked like, what I was wearing. On this particular day it was a bunch of memories from 2013. I said something about going to a baby shower and hours later something about not being able to sleep because I was sad. It took me a minute but then I realized what it was about. It was about a guy I spent years with but not really. Let’s call him Sam (not his real name).
2013 was the year I turned 30. A lot of things changed for me. It was the year I went on my dream trip: London. I even ran into one of my favorite Spice Girls! I also went to California for the first time to meet some internet friends that I had been chatting with since I was 13 or 14(who’s counting). It was a very adventurous year for me. But it all came after getting my heart broken and realizing I needed to take control of what I wanted.
I’ll never forget how we met. I was on a really bad date. REALLY bad lol. There Sam was with a group of friends. It was instant. We talked all night(with my date of course). We walked my date to the subway and in a sheer movie romance moment, we rode the same train home. He asked to take me out. I said yes but made fun of the fact that he was drunk and might not remember. Well he did. I made that joke again on our date and he was PISSED. Needless to say, it was an awful first date. I was bummed. How could we not get along?! We parted ways and I never heard from him again. Until a year later. We had an amazing date. And he ghosted me. This continued for three more years. One time he told me that he didn’t want a relationship. Sometimes he made me feel stupid. I never cried. I just got used to it. I know. That’s bananas. There something about year four that suddenly things were very different.
In all those years, I never dated anyone. I just didn’t want to. Men always assumed I would sleep with them because I’m fat, of course I’m easy!(Sarcasm). I tried online dating and it was slim pickings. I would get so many guys who would treat me like a fetish. They wanted a black woman. A fat woman. A fat black woman lol. It was exhausting. When Sam came back around of course it was easy to fall back into. He was familiar. I wanted attention. Why not?! Maybe we might even have sex finally! (News Flash: we never did. I know, I know lol. Judge me later ok!)
With every ‘date’, I would get more scared. We were having so much fun when we went out. When would he ghost me?! It sucked to feel like that but it was valid. Months passed and he still wanted to see me. I was so shocked. It was very exciting. He was more mature. He was much nicer. I thought wow, I held out and he likes me! He lost his job at some point and when he got a new one, I even bought him something Doctor Who for his desk because I was proud of him. I never celebrated his birthday, but he celebrated mine. He came to my birthday party to meet my friends and my brothers. My friends were all *insert big eye emoji*. They knew all about Sam and were surprised at how nice he was. I WAS TOO!!!! I finally stopped questioning it and enjoyed the ride. Well that was a mistake. I got a little too comfortable.
My friend had a baby shower in the Bronx. I got lost as hell and was sooo late. Sam wanted to hang out after and I let him know that we would have to push our date back . It was fine! We went to Pianos in the LES. I thought things were going great and well… it went way left. He randomly started telling me a story about this girl he used to go visit in Astoria. I said “Wow you never came to my place when I lived in Astoria.” He said,” Yeah well I was ACTUALLY dating her.” It stung. It felt like a million daggers were stabbing me in my chest. I couldn’t believe that he said it. I knew where this was going.
Like an idiot I said”So we aren’t actually dating?!” He said “So….I wanted to talk about that.” He proceeded to tell me that he didn’t think anything was progressing between us because we didn’t see each other. I KNOW!!! You’re reading this like ummm that because of YOU sir!! I kind of blocked out a lot of what he was saying until he asked if we could be friends. That’s when I lost it. I let out years of feelings. I let him know how mean he was to me. That he didn’t respect me or my time. And that I was stupid for wasting so much energy on someone who didn’t like me at all. He was so shocked to hear me say that. I was too honestly. I don’t know what gave me the courage to say it. It had to be said. We walked to the train in silence. My train came and he asked me if I was sure we couldn’t be friends. He looked sad. I had never seen that look in his eyes. I said I wasn’t sure. I needed time but more than likely not. He didn’t know how to be a friend. I got on the train and once it passed him, I cried my heart out. Over due tears. I was so hurt. I was mostly mad that I didn’t pay attention to all of his cues and I kept trying. It takes two to waste time.
I took many leaps that year. I went overseas. I wore red lipstick. I went on more dates. And I learned how to say no. No to terrible men. No to being mistreated. I found my voice as far as men were concerned. It was empowering. It was up to me to decide how I would be treated by the men I dated. Obviously I still sucked at dating as we all know. Hey I tried!
Sam and I ended up seeing each other years later, right after I finished filming Big Women:Big Love. He was surprised that I would do a reality show. I was surprised he wanted to see me. He had a girlfriend. He really liked her but she wanted kids and he didn’t. I scolded him for wasting another girl’s time. Sam said he was learning a lot about himself and after what happened with us, he wanted to try. How nice of him*eye roll*.
I reached out to him later in the year to let him know that I was sorry that I kept trying to make something happen all those years. I ignored all of his hints that he wasn’t interested. That I could’ve avoided all that heartache. He said he was the one who should be sorry. I was a great person and he mistreated me. He was sorry that he took advantage of my kindness. It was just the closure I always wanted. I often wonder how he’s doing. But I’m glad I stopped settling for whatever came my way. Not all attention is good attention!
Until Next Time
P.S- I know you’re thinking, all these great pictures from that year and none of Sam….We never took ONE picture. Seriously! Pay attention. When someone likes you, they won’t avoid pictures. They won’t make excuses. And it won’t be so much WORK!!!! =)